Puns from Digg.com

Members on Digg often compete to contribute the best puns and jokes. Here are some highlights from a recent post on puns. The Diggers contributions are ALL better than those in the actual article, in my opinion.

I've put the longer ones at the bottom, and edited out any I didn't think were that good. I've also included a selection of my favorite spoonerisms from the fun with words site (at the end of this post).

Top short puns:

• Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor. Period.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Radio Shack is giving away dead batteries. Free of charge.
• Q: What do you call a psychic fugitive midget? A: A small medium at large.
• A termite walks into a bar and says "Where's the bar tender?"
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
• A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says: "I'm here to find the man that shot my paw" This one also made it as a poster:
  

A nurse is making her rounds at the hospital, she goes to make a notation on a patient's chart and pulls a thermometer from behind her ear. Looking at the thermometer she exclaims "Some asshole has my pen!"

Longer jokes:

A bayman was walking home after collecting seagull eggs to throw at mating dolphins near his home. He sees a sleeping lion on the path and slowly steps over it. He is immediately arrested. "What's the charge?" The man asks. "You were transporting young gulls over a sedate lion for immoral porpoises!"

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the bartender pours it for him he sees the place is empty. He says to the bartender "I know I'm new in town, but this place seems dead."
The bartender says "I reckon everyone is up at the hanging."
Cowboy asks "Who are they hanging?"
Bartender responds "The law finally caught up with ol' Brown Paper Pete."
Cowboy: "Brown Paper Pete? What kind of a name is that?"
Bartender: "You've never heard of him? He's notorious around these parts! Wears brown paper pants, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, he's even got a brown paper hat."
Cowboy: "Now ain't that a caution. What are they hangin' him for?"
Bartender: "Rustlin'."

There's this guy looking for a job. By the way, this guy has no arms. So, he's looking through the wanted ads and sees that someone is needed to ring the bell in the church. So he's like, "I can ring the bell in the church!" So he runs over to the church and asks this priest if he can have the job. But the priest is like, "You have no arms! How can you ring the bell?" So the armless man runs up a dizzying six flights of stairs. Then he backs up, concentrates, and runs headfirst into the bell and rings it with his face. So now the priest is stunned and says, "Well, I guess since you rang the bell, you can have the job..."
Three months has gone by and twelve times a day this guy has to run up six flights of stairs and smash his face into this bell. The guy looks like a pancake.... So like he normally does, the pancake man goes up the stairs and runs at the bell BUT--he misses. He runs straight past the bell and goes flying over the side of the bell tower; splattered all over the sidewalk. So this big crowd of people comes around and they're all shouting, "OH MY GOSH, WHO FELL FROM THE BELL TOWER?!" So this guy bends down and looks at his demented head and says, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

Soon after another armless man inquires if he can fill the now vacant role of bell ringer. The priest asks why yet another limbless man wants to be climb all those stairs and smash his face into the bell. The man replies that the original bell-ringer was his brother and he continue his brother's work. The priest grudgingly accepts. As before, the man runs up the six flights of stairs and smashes his face into the bell. All is well until the new man also misses the bell and tumbles to his death.

Aghast, the townsfolk ask the priest for the identity of the mysterious deceased stranger. "I don't know," replies the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Spoonerisms overheard (from Fun With Words):

• Cat flap (Flat cap)
• Bad salad (Sad ballad)
• Soap in your hole (Hope in your soul)
• Mean as custard (Keen as mustard)
• Plaster man (Master plan)
• Pleating and humming (Heating and plumbing)
• Trim your snow tail (Trim your toe nails)
• Birthington's washday (Washington's Birthday)
• Trail snacks (Snail tracks)
• Bottle in front of me (Frontal Lobotomy)
• Sale of two titties (Tale of two cities)
• Rental Deceptionist (Dental Receptionist)
• Flock of bats (Block of flats)
• Chewing the doors (Doing the chores)

And ... a great collection of humorous sayings.